If you find yourself about to use these words, it’s probably a good time to STFU as whatever you say is likely to be offensive.
Someone said this to me in a meeting recently and I found it excessively irritating. Possibly because the person identified ME as someone who would be offended by what they said. Which wasn’t the case at all. But I did end up being offended by the fact that they thought I would be offended by it. I am not that SMALL-MINDED, okay??
Did you follow all that? You deserve a prize if you did.
It’s funny, isn’t it that some people are great in meetings – they’re not defensive, they contribute, they don’t belittle anyone’s ideas, they bring good energy to Zoom – and then there are other people…well, they’re just not so great. And not only are they Not So Great, they don’t realise it and actually think they are FANTASTIC to work with.
I have spent a lot of time in virtual story meetings over the last year, and the great thing about Zoom is that you can switch off your camera and mute yourself (sorry, guys, my wifi is dodgy) and eat cream buns and pick your nose and most importantly, make a list of the types of people in meetings.
Here goes:
- The poor damn intern who has to take notes/set up the recording and gets shat upon when the relevant graph/storyline can’t be put up on the screen. This person has the worst wifi out of everyone at the meeting and yet is expected to be COMPLETELY ON THE BALL whilst earning three SA ronts a day.
- The host of the meeting. This one has to have the wisdom of Solomon. Cutting babies in half is nothing compared to the conflict resolution skills they have to have.
- Creatives. This can be broken down into the following subsections:
- (A) The Know-It-All. Whatever anybody does, they’ve done it – but better. If someone’s broken a leg, they broke both legs, and in seventeen places and it was so bad they almost had to amputate their leg but not quite. Would you like to see the scar? (No, I really, really wouldn’t).
- (B) The fighter. They are itching to pick a fight and will choose a victim at the beginning of the meeting. These characters can dish it out but can’t take it and if you DARE to criticize their ideas, will have a complete meltdown whereupon you will find yourself apologizing just to end the tantrum. Don’t engage and if they pick on you gooi a Sorry, you’re breaking up.
- (C) The oil on troubled waters. This person agrees with everyone. They see everyone’s point of view. They COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND and emphathise with everybody. They do this so well, nobody notices that they in fact have not contributed one idea to the meeting. They can also be a teensy bit fucking irritating.
- (D) The drama queen. They are MORE EXHAUSTED and BUSIER than anyone else and they can’t stay for the full meeting because they have another meeting. If you ask them where the piece of work is that was supposed to be submitted TWO DAMN WEEKS ago, they will tell you in great detail HOW BUSY AND IMPORTANT they are and they just don’t have time to meet deadlines. Don’t ask them where their work is. It will take up two precious hours of meeting time as they tell you (again) how BUSY AND IMPORTANT they are.
- (E) TMI. These are the people that just don’t know when it’s too much info. There is a rule that what is said in the writers’ room stays in the writers’ room but still. Did we really need to know about your girlfriend’s STI? I know I didn’t and I will never be able to look at her the same way after that vivid description of her genitalia.
- (F) The comedian. Amusing, but a huge time-waster this one. You will have to tell them to STFU. But nicely. You don’t want to land up in their next stand-up routine (or blog).
- (G) I-love-the-sound-of-my-own-voice. This person sometimes has important stuff to say, but you will have to sift through the word vomit to find the gems. They are useful if you need to pee or make yourself coffee. Basically, you could pee, make yourself a cappuccino (with three shots to keep yourself awake) and write a script while they waffle on.
- (H) The work horse. They log on to the meeting on time, they arrive with ideas, they respect other people’s ideas, they are funny without being all TMI. They try and put their egos aside. Kiss these people with tongue. These are the people you want to work with.
- The Executives. They are there to tell you that they LOVE your ideas but they just need a bit of tweaking. Well, actually quite a lot of tweaking. In fact, could you just rework the whole thing? By this evening.
So which one am I?
(C), (F), a touch of (A) and hopefully some (H).
Book recommendations for this week:
I am being a bit of a book slut at the mo and have a few books on the go at once:
A Family Affair by Sue Nyathi. Yoh, those sex scenes!! Gurrrrrrl, I have to take a cold shower after I read this. Am loving the family drama, plus Sue has a wicked sense of humour that has me snorting my coffee and all the mentions of familiar places (Haddon & Sly etc…) are making me homesick for Bulawayo. A must-read.
How To Start A Side Hustle by Nic Haralambous. I’ve been dipping into this instead of wasting time on social media this week. Am finding it RIVETING and soooooo useful. If Covid has hit you in the pocket, I suggest reading this book.
The Chalk Pit by Elly Griffiths. Her sense of humour is so fab and I adore her Dr. Ruth Galloway novels. This one has a creepy South African character which is only adding to my enjoyment. I feel so SEEN. Am really hoping she turns out to be the murderer. Watch this space!
Film/TV recommendations:
Lupin. Just loved it and it ends on such a cliffhanger. Can’t wait for season 2.
Behind Her Eyes on Netflix. It’s based on the book by Sarah Pinborough. The book was a total mindfuck with an ending that SHOULD NOT HAVE WORKED but totally did and I’m pleased to say that the series is the same. Read the book first and then watch the series. I highly recommend both. The leads are also bloody gorgeous #justsaying and the psychiatrist’s accent – YUM.
Things to be grateful for: people are getting vaccinated in SA. Woo hoo! Our infection rates and deaths are down. Woo hoo!! As battered and bruised and traumatised as we are, it feels like there finally is light at the end of the tunnel. And no, it’s not an oncoming train. Have a fabulous week, everyone. Happy reading! xxx
